A little longer

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No! Don’t come out!!!

Have you ever seen a movie where the victim almost didn’t die? Like if they’d stayed in the closet or under the bed, or wherever they’d hidden for just an extra five seconds, they just might have lived long enough to see the bad guy die at the end?

Have you ever wondered why they were so impatient to come out? Why they couldn’t hold in their curiosity for just a while longer than they already had?
Have you ever wondered why the bad guy lingered when they obviously thought they had lost?

Do these things even cross your mind?

That perhaps the bad guy understood patience a little more than the good guy. That perhaps the bad guy knew that if they didn’t make any presumptions, they just might make the kill.
Or perhaps the good guy overestimated the good luck they’d been blessed with since the beginning of the movie.
Maybe they thought that the worst had already happened and they were still alive. What else could possible go wrong, they thought.
And how wrong they were.

So in the end, the one who stayed a little longer was able to kill the one who came out a tad too soon.

Most often that’s how it is all the time in my life. When I almost win, we assume I’ve already won. And then I let go… I come out… I die.
Other times I have been hanging on for so long, I feel it is finally time to let go. I feel I can let go now and not beat myself for giving up “too soon”. And just as I start to fall, just as gravity begins to drag me into this pit I refused to fall into, I look up and see that the help I so desperately prayed for has arrived. A little longer and I’d have been saved. If I’d held on for just a second longer…

A little longer…

So I am sitting here, with my plate already full of things that are screaming for my long overdue attention. Yet, somehow, I manage to have time to think about how and why the good guy died. Thinking about what ifs and could-have-beens. Forgetting one thing.
The good guy and the bad guy had a script.
I do not.

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🎶I’ve got sunshine🎶

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Early this morning, from my room window upstairs, I literally saw the day begin.
I watched as the sun rose from behind the mountains way up ahead, taking it’s precious time to come out… almost owning time itself. Little by little, it teased me with it beauty. A little light here, a little ray there.
And when it finally came out, so majestic and graceful, it’s magnificent splendor was worth all the time in the world. It’s exuberant rays dancing in my eyes, creating tingles on my skin, seeping into my heart, all the while engulfing my insides with inexplicable joy.
This morning, I shared a giggle with the morning sun. And in that moment, I believed that everything would be okay.

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No man’s land

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I feel these things. These things I have not permitted myself to feel. Things I thought I’d hidden.
I feel these things that don’t make so much sense. And yet I totally understand.
Tidal waves.
I feel.
Funny. I feel.
I am more of an “I think” person.
I think things. Through things. Of things. About things. In spite of things.
I think.
I think things that I’m not allowed to think of. Things I’d be shot dead if I let on. Things that are better left unsaid.
Kaleidoscope.

I can’t help but be this awesome person that I am. It’s a blessing… Or a curse?
I didn’t ask to be born this way. But I thank God I am though.
I mean, I can’t imagine any part of me or my life being any different than it is and actually working out.
I am a rainbow of thoughts, feelings and awesomeness.
A constellation of wonders.
I am who I am.
Flaws and fortes.
And I would not have it any other way!

I know that I confuse you at times.
Heck! Even I need a guidebook to my own life.
So believe me, I understand. And if there was something I could do… I just might. But the truth is, I am me. And you are you.
Our differences are almost Guinness Book of World Records worthy. Almost.
However, for some mundane reason, like belief, I am not gone. You’re still here. We are still working through this puzzle.
I would ask you to meet me halfway but I’m not sure where it’s at. Or I could ask to come over to your side, but I can’t see you quite clearly. Between your storms and my hurricane, everything is such a blurr. But I can hear you, and I believe you can hear me too.
So let’s just keep talking, and keep walking, and hopefully, maybe, one day, we’d end up in front of each other… Somewhere in between.

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Worthy?

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I think worthiness is a state of mind.

When I do something wrong to my family, I automatically find it hard to approach them. It’s a psychological thing. It’s like I have sort of severed the bond we shared by breaking their trust. Which is quite true.
So now when they look at me, they don’t just see me, they see what I did, and in effect, re-experience the pain I caused them. So they may become colder towards me, consciously and/or unconsciously. They may lash out at me more often than they normally would. And all the friendly banter would be taken as insults.

So when I do something wrong, I don’t feel I have the right to walk up to them and just converse. I may even not walk up to them at all because I feel terrible about what I did?

Maybe they’d forgive me eventually. Maybe they’d let it go. But someway, somehow, the memory would still be with us and subtly affect our relationship. Perhaps I may find myself tiptoeing around them for the rest of our lives. Or I’d feel like I owe them big time till someone else messes up and the figurative red cross on my forehead is wiped off by the blunder of the next person, whom I can bet would go through the exact cycle of emotions I did… But just customized to their personality.

There are some mistakes that are so grave, they may never be forgiven. And so each party lives with the hurt and pain for the rest of their lives. Partly wanting to let go but knowing they can’t. Perhaps because they have kept it for too long and so it’s harder to let go. Perhaps because it’s too big a deal to let it slide. Or perhaps they just want something to hold on to and someone to blame.
.

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So, what is the point of my rant…?

God.

I know. I know.
Every time someone mentions God these days, everyone just sits up properly. People lift their guards up. Others give undivided attention. Some close their minds off. And some just skim through.
Whether we realize it or not, everyone has their own default reactions when God is brought up in a conversation… If it is brought up.
Some just actively avoid it all together.

To an extent, I get it.
There are those who force their beliefs down the throats of others. Forgetting that salvation is an individual affair. Forgetting that you can’t force someone to believe in your beliefs. Forgetting that they can choke on it all.
There are those who have done terrible things in the name of belief. Causing people to hate that belief system, even if the perpetrators had misinterpreted the values and norms of the said belief system.

I am Christian.
I was born Catholic, grew up in a charismatic home, went to a Lutheran middle school, a methodist high school and university in an Islamic/Arab country.

I have watched people give up on God my whole life.
But I have also seen people come to the saving knowledge of Christ and never go back.

Perhaps when we sin, we feel like we have fallen so far we can’t go back.
Perhaps when we stay away from faith for so long, we feel like we may have forgotten how to go back. Or that if we’re not dead yet, we just might be doing something right.
Or maybe, just maybe, we want to live right enough or clear up the mess in our lives enough… Just enough so that we can come to God and not feel so bad.

The truth is, we may never reach that “cleanliness” that allows us to feel like we can finally return.
Because the God that I know, He doesn’t care if you haven’t cleaned up, or if your life stinks, or if you just have so many things against you, He just wants you. Just as you are. He just wants to be close to you.

Perhaps you feel like you don’t “pray” enough or read your Bible enough. But He’s saying that it’s okay to come over. Just talk. Just hang out.
You don’t have to make a long speech. Just normal conversation.
He would love to hear about your day.
No pressure. Just simple conversation.
Can you do that ?

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Laws and feelings

I. Like. You.
You. Like. Me.
We. Like. Each. Other.
That’s it!
By the laws of fairytales and magic, we deserve to be together, forever. Happily ever after.
Simple.
Some would even say that we are lucky to have found each other. And we know how we feel about each other.
To an untrained eye, it’s that simple. There are no complications.

But you see, there are.
The world works with more than just the laws of fairytales and magic. Life works on more that just feeling and emotions. Fleeting things.
Life is just deep like that.
It’s almost like there’s some unofficial checklist, and if you don’t check off everything, you can’t be together. In this life anyway.
The dynamics and complex situations do not permit us to associate.

I. Like. You.
You. Like. Me.
We. Like. Each. Other.
But it’s just that.

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These feelings

I am over him. I have healed. I have moved on.
But no matter how many days that go by, there is still that niggling feeling that I am still as smitten as I was in the beginning.
They say that time heals all wounds. Yes, I was wounded. Yes, I have healed.
So why does it feel like I have not?
Why does my heart feel like exploding every time I think of him?
I have been adviced not to. And believe me, I don’t. Okay, I do. But not so often.
However, when I do… It’s like I never stopped. It’s like all the emotions were just waiting behind the doors. Waiting for me to think about him so they can barge into my life all over again.
They don’t even realize the mess they leave in their wake. And once the rush is over, I have to pick up the pieces of my life all over again. I have to clean up, and walk out with my head high.
I have to live.
It sounds so easy when I put it in writing, but in reality, it’s excruciating.
I don’t know what to do with myself.
A part of me wishes I could at least blame him for my pain. Then at least, I’d feel a little better knowing it’s not my fault.
But I can’t.
Because I know that no one has control over my happiness but me. I know all the things about self-control and self love and all those things I tell my friends when they go through heartbreaks. And I know they work because they have all successfully moved on.
But someway, somehow, it doesn’t work for me. It doesn’t work on me.
It’s almost as if I am suffering from a rare incurable illness and I keep misdiagnosing myself.
No matter how much I cry myself to sleep. I’m going to walk out of my door in the morning with a bright smile.

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dimiourgus.tumblr.com

If I can’t be happy, I can at least try to make the world happy.

Timeline

A long time ago, guys fought for girls. 
Like serious fighting, with swords and blood… the works. It was amazing! 
Sorry, I mean, it was very sad.
But I don’t blame them though.
Back then, girls didn’t go to school. They just had to cook, clean, take care of everyone, learn to do a lot of “domestic things” and look pretty.
Boys weren’t stuck in a classroom with girls for long gruesome hours. 
They had to set a date, with a reliable chaperone as well as the lady in question, before they actually saw them. 
Holding hands, hugging, whispering, talking into the night, taking walks… These were things reserved for people who were intimately involved, and were pursuring marriage. (And intimacy here is the aforementioned list, in case you missed it).
All this display of love was usually done in the presence of family and every concerned individual. Technically, a lady could not go out with some random guy without the consent of her family.

There were just a lot of complications in the old days. I think that’s why the guys fought for their love back then. 

Now, the girls are literally thrown at the guys. School, church, malls, bars… Everywhere. And now, with all the feminism movements going on, the ladies do the chasing… and some.
Many fishes in the sea.

The Prince Charmings and Black Knights are almost nonexistent in recent times.
And yet we keep saying, 

A girl can dream

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Happy Valentine

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When I was younger, I always got excited whenever Valentine’s Day approached. Besides the fact that it was called the day of love and everything, the colour red was everywhere.
Hint: My favourite colo

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ur

is

red

.

As I grew older, I started understanding why people loved Val’s Day. There were always gifts from lovers and admirers. It was a time to love and feel loved. However, with time, I started hearing stories about how people worship a certain Valentine and that 14th February was like their version of Christmas. Naturally, my enthusiasm died.
But like Sleeping Beauty, it was not death, just deep slumber. Unlike Sleeping Beauty, it did not require a kiss.
While some people celebrate Valentine’s Day, others celebrate Chocolate Day. A day for all chocolate lovers. Well, guess whose name is on the VIP list of chocolate lovers around the world…

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This girl!!!

How can I not celebrate?!
Every year, I stay till midnight waiting for some secret admirer to confess his love then we’d live happily ever after, like in the fairy tales.
This year, however, I am spending the day with myself. Happy for all the lovely people in my life who have loved me in spite of my faults and have allowed me to love them back. This year, I am going to bask in self love and chocolate because a girl deserves a break.
Here’s to love ❤
Happy Valentine’s Day!🎉
Happy Chocolate Day!!!🎊
H

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appy

lovers

‘ Day!

!!

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You lose

I enjoy writing deeps but I became afraid that that’s all I could write so I stopped. My loss.
I love writing. My own words get to me. And I hope that they get to you too.

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You take a smart, sophisticated, well-mannered, amazing, gorgeous girl who’s madly in love with you and you treat her like dead weight and go for a less amazing, less attractive lady who is not even half as in love with you and you treat her like a queen.

Fair enough, beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder. Everyone wants what they want.

However, after treating her like less of a person. You sit back and watch as she slowly and painfully gets rid of you from her life. And when she leaves… In fact, it is only after she left that you realized how dense you are. And you ask yourself how you could let a gem like her go?

So now you return. With nothing to offer except what she kept begging you for… Love, affection or even your attention.
But you see, life is fair sometimes. It may have taken you this long to see her worth. Your loss.

Someone saw it from a distance and worked his way into her heart. He earned his spot. She was willing to hand it over to you but someone has it now. And quite frankly, he is treating it much better than she could ever have imagined. 
She is finally experiencing the joy in loving and being loved back. She is happy.
She is over you.

And now… Now you choose to come. Now you think you can offer her affection.
You’ve had your heart handed to you and you’re looking for a rebound in her.
Have you no shame?
Or you were born yesterday?
Get up. And get out. Before you make a bigger fool out of yourself.
Wanting to eat your cake and have it… Shame on you!

Girls like her, they do not do the chasing. They are the ones who have limitless options. And you decided you weren’t interested.
Smh.
Your loss.

Please, walk out.

So I just saw a movie about… Life basically. And I kept thinking about how a lot of us sit back and watch our lives go by.

Naturally we have tangible, logical, reasons. But see, deep down, it all comes back to the comfort zone. It’s hard to step out of the comfort zone into the cold world out there.

But guess what?

That cold world also nurtures the most beautiful flowers you can find.

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Of course, you have this nice simple garden and when you look over your fence you see bleakness and you think that’s all.
But let me tell you.
The moment you get off of your chair and step out of your gate, everything comes into perspective.
The whole world looks different.
Your garden may have just green, a few blues and the occasional yellows. But out there, there is red, violet, orange… Even your greens and blues and yellows. And they all come in shades.
All it takes it a change of mind and a little bit of courage.

And so what if there are a couple of downs, mishaps and bumps along the way? And what if you fall down a couple of times and get hurt a little bit. A scraped knee. Bruised shin. Muddied clothes. A little dirt in your nails. Or a serious scar somewhere.
You know, scars help tell wonderful stories.
So don’t give up. Don’t turn around. Brush yourself up. You can even cry… A lot. It helps.
But don’t give up. And don’t go back.
Everything contributes to an altogether fun experience, and in the end, a mind-blowing story to recount.

So take a leap of faith. Walk out. Dance a little.
Enjoy the sunshine. Have a fantastic time outside.
And stop over thinking things. Doctors say it’s even bad for your health!;)

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Happy Friday people.
God bless y’all.